Outside The Margins

April 16, 2009

Just say no!

Filed under: Humor — chrishuntsblog @ 10:40 am
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Alright, here I go. I’m going in face first. I know it may be tough. But hey, I’m a man. I can take it. What I’m about to say may offend a few. It may offend a lot. Or maybe it won’t offend anyone at all—well, except maybe my pet llama who’s really hungry as I write this. Well anyway, here goes!

You know that whole thing that all sorts of people in all sorts of places have been talking about? You know that….umm….thing? Umm…well…you know what I’m talking about…don’t you? What? You don’t? Alright..well…maybe you don’t. GAY MARRIAGE! There, I said it. Whew, that actually didn’t hurt much. I suppose to please my editor though, I have to say a little more than that. Alright, well, here goes: I’m not an advocate of same-sex marriage. In fact, I really don’t like it, umm…even a little bit. For the reasons why I’m not a fan, please refer to my website at http://www.spineless.com.

Well…on second thought, maybe I should just tell you. Besides, if you go to my website you’ll see that it’s not actually mine—it’s my sister’s. Oops! I forgot I don’t have a sister. Truth be known, I don’t like same-sex marriage very much because, well, it’s different, you know. Oh come on now, you know it is! How can you not know something is a little strange about the idea of one man marrying another or two women marrying each other? I know, I know, it’s also strange that for every marriage there are 3,536 divorces all across the Fruited Plain, but you’re not going to trick me into changing the subject now that I’m on a roll.

WARNING: The next few things I’m about to say may be unsuitable for the faint of heart, so I would advise those who are to read and reread the following paragraph at least 50 times to get your heart back into shape. (Note: out of the fear of my expert opinion being incorrect I have not consulted with your cardiologist).

There are a few perks that come with marriage. First of all, it’s nice to have someone always there to take care of your every need—say, for instance, someone to squeeze your pimples. Another benefit is sex (just because I rank them in this order doesn’t mean you have to). Speaking of sex (here’s the part I warned you about), when a man and a woman put their bodies together and…well…you know…do that thing they do, there is a sort of, well…a natural fit. Something akin to picking one’s nose. I think God knew what he was doing when he created the finger of man—and woman—at just the right size to get the job done (he did a particularly excellent job in my case). But in any event, if you put two men together in the holy order of patrimony—oops, I mean matrimony—the second greatest benefit of marriage (sex, remember?) becomes, well, somehow changed. It’s like the parts don’t fit. Now, since I’ve never actually tried it myself I can’t be absolutely sure, but I have a pretty good idea of how men might try to make it fit. Unfortunately, however, due to spatial constraints (I am limited to only 30,000 words here), I can only express to the men with same-sex attraction that I’m concerned that you may poke out an eyeball should you attempt to pick your nose. Unfortunately, for the females who are attracted to other women, I’m afraid you’ll never be able to pick your nose at all (figuratively speaking, that is) unless you—well, nevermind…

There is, of course, much more that can be said about same-sex marriage. Much has already been said by those in favor and by those who oppose it. Personally, yes, I think it is wrong. However, if, like me, you’re more interested in a personally handcrafted pimple squeeze every now and then than you are in sex, I say what the heck, take a walk down the Aisle with that man, woman, or llama of your dreams. Just remember, llamas are easily offended.

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April 6, 2009

Tolerate this!

Filed under: Political — chrishuntsblog @ 11:57 am
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Tolerance is not my favorite word. Well, actually I don’t like it very much at all. In fact, I detest it! It is eeeviiiiill. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! If I was in charge (don’t worry, no one would be witless enough to give me any power), I would enact a law that states if anyone is caught using this word (or even if they’re not caught!), he or she can choose one of two penalties for his punishment: 1) immediate public beheading performed by spouse, or, 2) being subjected to the wannabe words ‘yada yada yada’ 4,836 times in a row. Personally I would choose #1. But since I’m remaining objective here I will abstain from saying so.

Why, you may ask, would I choose such extreme penalties as these? To this, I have only one answer: I am an extremely tolera—oops, I mean lenient guy. I mean, if I really wanted to get nasty I would choose to punish the Tolerant Society by secluding myself to some remote island so no one would ever hear from me again; fortunately though, I’m too nice a guy.

I suppose I should explain why I take the position I do about ‘t-word’. I can think of two reasons:

First, the definition of ‘t-word’ carries a negative connotation. It means to put up with; to forbear begrudgingly. Take, for example, the following two sentences regarding two three-year-old friends. One describes ‘t-word,’ one doesn’t:

1) Johnny told Sally he guessed he’d just have to risk the potential for emotional instability being friends with her would cause him, since his best friend, four-year-old Stevie, had said to him, ‘Sally is not exactly a charmer.’

2) Johnny told Sally to go hang herself on his pappy’s hog slaughtering meat hook.”

Can you tell which of these is pro-‘t-word?’ If not, let me explain it to you like I was in 4th grade: The first sentence depicts the amoral rationale of the multifacetudinously exponentiality of the directive proffered in the Conciliatory Conference held in Dwain’s basement when we were tired of playing PlayStation (Dwain is my other best friend). Unlike the first sentence, which was full of PC BS (politically correct fertilizer, for those of you in higher ed.), the second one establishes a clear, if not lucid, description of why just three days later Sally was found firmly ensconced in the air on…oh nevermind.

Here is why the scenario described in sentence two, the anti-‘t-word’ sentence, is preferred. If you were Johnny, would you like to feel pressured to put up with Sally even though you didn’t like her? Or would you prefer to be honest and truthful—in other words, have her killed? Don’t answer that. (Note: Sally’s viewpoint was not represented here due to her untimely passing.)

The second reason I object to ‘t-word’ is because those who spread it—The Almighty I Know What is Best For Society Scholars—would have the rest of us numbnuts’ believe that we should all join hands in a big circle, sing Kumbaya, and whisper sweet nothings into each others’ ears. Frankly, this would be okay with me because I need a vacation. But, unfortunately, since I’ve used up all my vacation time cutting down 900 year old sequoias in the Amazon, I think I’ll just have to wait until next year.

March 20, 2009

Obama’s “Special Olympics” joke was funny

Filed under: Political — chrishuntsblog @ 1:25 pm
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This is where I draw the line, folks. Funny is funny. If you’re no longer able to tell a good joke at someone’s expense, sorry, but get outta my face. Let’s all quit pretending to be so damn thin-skinned already. Or if you really are thin-skinned, at least pretend you’re not.

March 18, 2009

Discrimination is actually a good thing

Filed under: Political — chrishuntsblog @ 7:50 pm
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Excellent speech by Evan Sayet, conservative satirist. This speech, however, is not satire. It is a dust and bones boiled down speech on why modern liberals think the way they do. Maybe this is heresy to Dittoheads like myself, but this guy may give Rush a run for his money in understanding the modern liberal. Highly enlightening.

March 6, 2009

624 Catholic hospitals may close if abortion bill becomes law

Filed under: Political — chrishuntsblog @ 11:45 am
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If the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) were to become law it would force hospitals and doctors to perform abortions, like it or not. Bishops of the Roman Catholic Church, therefore, are threatening to close the 624 (that’s right, 624) Catholic hospitals if FOCA does become law.

March 5, 2009

Finally, someone doing something about war on drugs

Filed under: Political — chrishuntsblog @ 9:50 am
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Maybe it will ultimately backfire, but it sure is refreshing to see someone stake his reputation on a very important issue. Go Felipe, go!

March 3, 2009

Racial jokes making comeback?

Filed under: Political — chrishuntsblog @ 6:29 pm
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Maybe not, but Clint Eastwood wishes it would. (Newsmax)

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