Just wanted any interested parties to know I will be away for one to two weeks. Have a visit back to my home in Pennsylvania. However, fear not–I’ll be back.
April 22, 2009
April 18, 2009
Check out this affirmative action bake sale. Though it was shut down, it still makes a great point.
April 16, 2009
Alright, here I go. I’m going in face first. I know it may be tough. But hey, I’m a man. I can take it. What I’m about to say may offend a few. It may offend a lot. Or maybe it won’t offend anyone at all—well, except maybe my pet llama who’s really hungry as I write this. Well anyway, here goes!
You know that whole thing that all sorts of people in all sorts of places have been talking about? You know that….umm….thing? Umm…well…you know what I’m talking about…don’t you? What? You don’t? Alright..well…maybe you don’t. GAY MARRIAGE! There, I said it. Whew, that actually didn’t hurt much. I suppose to please my editor though, I have to say a little more than that. Alright, well, here goes: I’m not an advocate of same-sex marriage. In fact, I really don’t like it, umm…even a little bit. For the reasons why I’m not a fan, please refer to my website at http://www.spineless.com.
Well…on second thought, maybe I should just tell you. Besides, if you go to my website you’ll see that it’s not actually mine—it’s my sister’s. Oops! I forgot I don’t have a sister. Truth be known, I don’t like same-sex marriage very much because, well, it’s different, you know. Oh come on now, you know it is! How can you not know something is a little strange about the idea of one man marrying another or two women marrying each other? I know, I know, it’s also strange that for every marriage there are 3,536 divorces all across the Fruited Plain, but you’re not going to trick me into changing the subject now that I’m on a roll.
WARNING: The next few things I’m about to say may be unsuitable for the faint of heart, so I would advise those who are to read and reread the following paragraph at least 50 times to get your heart back into shape. (Note: out of the fear of my expert opinion being incorrect I have not consulted with your cardiologist).
There are a few perks that come with marriage. First of all, it’s nice to have someone always there to take care of your every need—say, for instance, someone to squeeze your pimples. Another benefit is sex (just because I rank them in this order doesn’t mean you have to). Speaking of sex (here’s the part I warned you about), when a man and a woman put their bodies together and…well…you know…do that thing they do, there is a sort of, well…a natural fit. Something akin to picking one’s nose. I think God knew what he was doing when he created the finger of man—and woman—at just the right size to get the job done (he did a particularly excellent job in my case). But in any event, if you put two men together in the holy order of patrimony—oops, I mean matrimony—the second greatest benefit of marriage (sex, remember?) becomes, well, somehow changed. It’s like the parts don’t fit. Now, since I’ve never actually tried it myself I can’t be absolutely sure, but I have a pretty good idea of how men might try to make it fit. Unfortunately, however, due to spatial constraints (I am limited to only 30,000 words here), I can only express to the men with same-sex attraction that I’m concerned that you may poke out an eyeball should you attempt to pick your nose. Unfortunately, for the females who are attracted to other women, I’m afraid you’ll never be able to pick your nose at all (figuratively speaking, that is) unless you—well, nevermind…
There is, of course, much more that can be said about same-sex marriage. Much has already been said by those in favor and by those who oppose it. Personally, yes, I think it is wrong. However, if, like me, you’re more interested in a personally handcrafted pimple squeeze every now and then than you are in sex, I say what the heck, take a walk down the Aisle with that man, woman, or llama of your dreams. Just remember, llamas are easily offended.
April 6, 2009
Tolerance is not my favorite word. Well, actually I don’t like it very much at all. In fact, I detest it! It is eeeviiiiill. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! If I was in charge (don’t worry, no one would be witless enough to give me any power), I would enact a law that states if anyone is caught using this word (or even if they’re not caught!), he or she can choose one of two penalties for his punishment: 1) immediate public beheading performed by spouse, or, 2) being subjected to the wannabe words ‘yada yada yada’ 4,836 times in a row. Personally I would choose #1. But since I’m remaining objective here I will abstain from saying so.
Why, you may ask, would I choose such extreme penalties as these? To this, I have only one answer: I am an extremely tolera—oops, I mean lenient guy. I mean, if I really wanted to get nasty I would choose to punish the Tolerant Society by secluding myself to some remote island so no one would ever hear from me again; fortunately though, I’m too nice a guy.
I suppose I should explain why I take the position I do about ‘t-word’. I can think of two reasons:
First, the definition of ‘t-word’ carries a negative connotation. It means to put up with; to forbear begrudgingly. Take, for example, the following two sentences regarding two three-year-old friends. One describes ‘t-word,’ one doesn’t:
1) Johnny told Sally he guessed he’d just have to risk the potential for emotional instability being friends with her would cause him, since his best friend, four-year-old Stevie, had said to him, ‘Sally is not exactly a charmer.’
2) Johnny told Sally to go hang herself on his pappy’s hog slaughtering meat hook.”
Can you tell which of these is pro-‘t-word?’ If not, let me explain it to you like I was in 4th grade: The first sentence depicts the amoral rationale of the multifacetudinously exponentiality of the directive proffered in the Conciliatory Conference held in Dwain’s basement when we were tired of playing PlayStation (Dwain is my other best friend). Unlike the first sentence, which was full of PC BS (politically correct fertilizer, for those of you in higher ed.), the second one establishes a clear, if not lucid, description of why just three days later Sally was found firmly ensconced in the air on…oh nevermind.
Here is why the scenario described in sentence two, the anti-‘t-word’ sentence, is preferred. If you were Johnny, would you like to feel pressured to put up with Sally even though you didn’t like her? Or would you prefer to be honest and truthful—in other words, have her killed? Don’t answer that. (Note: Sally’s viewpoint was not represented here due to her untimely passing.)
The second reason I object to ‘t-word’ is because those who spread it—The Almighty I Know What is Best For Society Scholars—would have the rest of us numbnuts’ believe that we should all join hands in a big circle, sing Kumbaya, and whisper sweet nothings into each others’ ears. Frankly, this would be okay with me because I need a vacation. But, unfortunately, since I’ve used up all my vacation time cutting down 900 year old sequoias in the Amazon, I think I’ll just have to wait until next year.
April 1, 2009
Since rarely do we see politicians with balls, it’s quite a breath of fresh air when someone with a set speaks out against evil in our midst. It was refreshing when Netanyahu formed his powerful coalition, knowing that for at least the time being, America would be cowards. Hopefully now we’ll see Iran put in their place. It’s time for the world to stop f’n around with them.
Only another example of nuance within the Obama Administration. Or wait, is it incompetence? On the other hand, I guess it could be flat-out lying. Who knows anymore? There’s been plenty of each to go around.
March 31, 2009
Witness the amazing illusion provided in this 45-second youtube video. (h/t: iOwnTheWorld.com)
March 27, 2009
Well here’s a different way to start off a marriage.
March 26, 2009
Although this blog is primarily political in nature, this quote I find relevant in light of the corruption and tyranny throughout the world. If you do not believe in Christ, substitute the word virtue for Christ.
“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.”
–Ezra Taft Benson
The Founders of this great nation talked of virtue coupled with liberty. It has become taboo to talk of virtue. Instead, we are inundated with sex and other vices daily at every turn. One is considered to be a prude and very uncool to speak of marriage before sex, to speak of abstinence as having the highest percentage for preventing diseases and unwanted pregnancies–even though its 100% fail-proof!
The fact is that it is quite revealing that throughout the media’s and greater society’s love-affair (no pun intended) with sex, the primary cautionary argument is disease and unwanted children. The virtue of chastity (have you ever heard of that word?) is not even part of the discussion. In reality, though, I wonder how many unchaste men and women have feelings of shame and regret because of their sexual “indiscretions.” I’d bet a pack of condoms there are more of these people than the media could ever know. Not that they’d care.
This is one of those things you hear and think, “What? They can’t do that! How can they do that? Why are we letting them do that?”